The Avengers' Mightiest Foe? or Why Thor Doesn't Have A Phone(anymore)
by hannahsoapy
Summary: The Avengers aren't exactly prepared for their latest mission... and Tony probably should have known better than to give Thor a phone.


A/N: A bloodthirsty plot bunny held me hostage until I wrote this. There's no other excuse.

 ***Amber Alerts are very important, I'm not advocating for you to turn them off!***

* * *

"Man of Iron!"

Thor ran into Tony's lab, brandishing the new Stark-phone that Tony had just gotten him last week. Tony didn't even look up from his lab bench.

"Yeah, Point Break?"

"Who is this Amber, and why am I being alerted about her?"

Tony _did_ look up at that. "What? Oh, that gets sent to everyone, it means a kid's been kidnapped, and to watch out for whatever vehicle they're in."

"A child is sleeping?" Thor said, bemused. Tony blinked at him.

"Uh, no, some kid's been stolen," Tony explained. At Thor's horrified expression, he waved the delicate tool in his hand dismissively. "Don't worry about it, big guy, the police are already on it, that's why we got an alert."

Thor's brows furrowed as he looked down at his phone screen sadly, and slowly left the lab. Tony went back to work.

Steve came in an hour later, in full getup.

"Tony?" He didn't look up, again, trying to ignore the interruption.

"Tony, what was Thor in here about earlier?" Steve said, impatiently.

Tony looked up, exasperated.

"Why does everyone think they can just barge in here? I'm working on something very important and very delicate, and-"

"JARVIS, put on the local news," Steve interrupted. Tony's mouth dropped open at Steve's rudeness, but JARVIS was prompt, and the news-lady's voice filled the room.

"Multiple sightings of Thor flying around New York City have been reported over the last hour, by residents of almost every neighborhood. Pictures and videos of the Avenger have been streaming in on every social media site." Several videos of Thor, flying with Mjolnir up and down city streets, were cobbled together and shown in rapid succession, before cutting back to the news-lady. "Currently we are unaware of what has warranted this fly-over, but we're sure whatever he's up to, it is for a good cause…"

The news-lady switched to another story, and JARVIS turned it off. Tony groaned and dropped his head into his arms with a muffled curse.

"Now you want to tell me?" Steve crossed his arms.

"It was the Amber Alert," said Tony, with a long-suffering sigh.

"What's an Amber Alert?"

"What!" Tony exclaimed. He understood why Thor didn't know what an Amber Alert was, but the Cap? Oh, right, Capsicle. "It's an alert to watch out for a vehicle because a kid's been kidnapped," Tony rattled off quickly. "I told him the police would already be on it, but clearly he thought they would need help."

Steve nodded, and suddenly Tony could tell by the set expression on his face exactly what his next words were going to be.

"Then let's go help 'em."

* * *

Three hours later, the ragtag group known as the Avengers limped back into their Tower, sweaty, sore, and clearly traumatized by their latest mission. Thor was the only one smiling.

The villain of the piece hadn't been a problem at all; one solid punch from Truth, Justice, and the American Way, and he'd been laid flat.

No, it had been the _kid_.

The little hellion was just a toddler, and so adorable his parents probably posted a million pictures of him all the time on their Facebook, cluttering all their friends' feeds, but he'd driven the entire team crazy except Thor (and Clint, but he was a cheater, cuz he already had kids and knew what to expect).

The kid managed to disable most of the functions on Tony's suit within seconds of him picking him up, leaving Tony helpless inside the metal cocoon.

Steve took the kid off of the powerless billionaire, and suddenly found his ears (which did look kinda funny sticking out of his mask/helmet) being pulled off by tiny hands. Steve eventually managed to distract the kid with his shield, but it didn't hold his attention for long.

The kid proved himself to be a monkey, clambering all the way up Hawkeye's body and reaching for the archer's arrows, at which the entire team rushed forward in a panic, while Clint sat stoically, doing nothing. The kid tugged at the fletchings of the arrows fruitlessly.

"Child safety lock," Clint said to the rest of them, with a shrug.

Bucky peeled the kid off of Clint with his metal arm, causing him to swing as he did so, and soon the Winter Soldier was stuck in the endless cycle of "Again!" Finally, Bucky couldn't take it anymore (just because his arm was metal didn't mean he wanted to swing children from it endlessly), and with one final swing, tossed the kid to Sam, shouting "Catch!", and running away to hide.

The kid landed on Sam's face, and immediately amused himself with making bongos out of Sam's flight goggles, which were still on his face. When Sam at last removed the kid from his head, he had two black eyes.

He'd also tossed the kid directly at the feet of the Hulk (who was feeling stubborn and hadn't turned back into Bruce yet). The Hulk growled at the kid, who then proceeded to shakily stand on his feet and deliver the loudest, ear-curdling, piercing scream any of them had ever heard (except Thor, who just laughed, and Clint, who had seen it coming and taken out his hearing aids).

In the midst of the shrill shriek, he managed to sneak up behind Black Widow, attach himself to her leg, and subsequently prove himself to be permanently stuck there, despite all attempts at bribery. Natasha tried to pretend she wasn't panicking as she started losing circulation to her foot, until Thor leaned down, and unwittingly offered his hair as the next target.

The kid swung happily from Thor's long locks the rest of the way, nobody else being foolish enough to approach the terrifying tyke.

"What in the world happened?" Pepper cried when they got back, horrified at their condition.

"A most glorious victory, Lady Pepper!" Boomed Thor. The rest of the Avengers mutely walked past her into the Tower. Pepper turned to Tony, looking for answers

"Don't ask," said Tony, as he snagged Thor's Stark-phone.

Alerts, off.

* * *

Hope you enjoyed! :)


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